The last two nights I’ve not been sleeping well…just restless, unsettled.

Yesterday my family threw us a Bon Voyage party. Much to my brother-in-law’s chagrin who says “Bon Voyage parties are a bad idea; the Universe doesn’t like that kind of confidence”.

It was supposed to be a more benign Christmas-in-June party since we were going to be apart for Christmas this year, but the sneaky bastards changed it to a full on sailing themed see-ya-later gig (my girls were still wearing their Christmas dresses Auntie Erin made them hahaha). It was very thoughtful. Pirate ship piñata, mermaid cupcakes (two things I very much do not think we are going to encounter) and a bottle full of rolled up messages for us to read when we are homesick (Spoiler: My very funny 5yo nephew’s says “Happy happy hip, I hope you like your trip!").

A couple of surprises:

• I didn’t cry, Greg did.

• I started to doubt we could do this.

Tears from Greg are exceedingly rare…we’ve been together for 26 years and I think the number is still under 10 according to my count. Tears from me are a dime a dozen - it’s like a daily cleanse - often just seeing someone else crying is plenty to get me going. There are a few things that set him off:

• kids being born (3/10)

• couples doing their first dance at a wedding (2/10)

• loved ones dying (5/10)

• saying goodbye to family when it will be awhile (now 2/10)

…I guess that means we are at 12 not 10 and that last one is bound to increase over the next 4 weeks.

Now of course these things all make me cry too but the goodbye thing of late has not set me off too much and I think it’s because there are other, louder feelings at play as well, crowding my brain.

Now, I love my family…like really really really LOVE my loud, sometimes rude, in-everyones-business, food-focused, game-playing, talking-over-each-other family. Our get-togethers always seem too short (who says that about family?!?!) and I count by siblings in my best friends category (which is very small). There is one downside to being with my family. I tend to forget myself.

Ok not exactly that, because being with them brings out a different, younger, less responsible, more belligerent side of me that plays the game of “you should show much you love each other by how well you can tease each other”; I’m usually less willing to slow down, listen, or even relax when with my family. That’s just not the vibe. When I’m one-on-one with individual members of course it’s not like that, but when it’s the whole group? Sweet sweet chaos. This environment is pure fun for me…I’m not sure exactly how much pure fun it was for Greg in the beginning of our relationship but he’s used to it now. As an introvert I know my family tires him out x100 whereas I’m super hyper after we leave (unless I’ve had a wee bit of wine…zzzzzzz). Ha. He just walked up behind me as I write this and said “I feel emotionally burned out after last night”.

But the thing is, in that crazy fun energy I tend to loose sight of myself a bit. The self that has raised 3 kids really well so far (I think), started my own consulting gig at 23 and managed to feed myself doing so until Liz and I joined forces and started our company that has then kept us well employed for almost 10 years (it baffles me sometimes that people hire me as an ‘expert’ in something when I still feel like a kid). The self that, with Greg, hard work and many many lucky breaks, has gotten to this place in life and is (gulp) almost 40. I mean, I have my shit together and am a fairly capable human.

Capable or not, last night at this party I was thinking “Whhhhhaaaaaat am I doing? Look at what I am leaving behind!!!”. My family has not overtly said or done anything to make me feel this way. It’s just being with them makes me feel a little more like Megan-the-Kid (cue visuals of Billy-the-Kid) and less Megan-the-person-responsible-for-other-kids-and-people-and-stuff. I feel less independent when I’m with them because being with them reminds me of how much I need them in my life to make my life feel complete. Damn them.

And it doesn’t help that my family is going out of their way to contribute and be involved in this transition:

• My mom is making us a quilt which will be a very comfortable layer in shoulder season and a very welcome barrier between our butts and the hot teak in the tropics and she is sourcing what I imagine to be a large quantity of hankies for salt water nose drips so we don’t have to use our precious one-ply TP (!!!)

• My dad made us two custom cutting boards to fit in the oddly shaped counter space inside the fiddles of the galley; they are seriously gorgeous and will make food prep safer and clean up much much more easy, I am anticipating many compliments on those ;)

• My sister Erin has taken it upon herself to be a Girl Guide leader for Grace and Aden (who are not in Brownies or Guides or anything else) and have them set up as ‘loners’ (haha) so they can participate in any program anywhere and still work for badges and stuff (that is a for-real effort on Erin’s part)…and she’s making me some dresses…or at least she SAID SHE WAS. Also she and Jason are generously keeping one of our cars at their place so that when we come back to visit we don’t have to rent a car (not sure if Tillsonburg, ON has Uber yet).

• My brother Kyle, who likes a good challenge and is one of the most loyal people I know has now offered to drive down the truck and trailer when we (finally) move down to MD to save us doing a one-way U-haul truck rental (more on this here). And he and Kristen hosted the very thoughtful party for us last night. And I’m pretty sure I could convince him to do a passage with us…but I have to prove to Kristen first that it’s safe so we’ll get a few under our belt first :)

They have other more subtle ways that they are supportive too. My sister is super skeptical about pirates. She literally toasted to us last night “Please don’t get eaten by pirates!”. Infamous cannibal pirates. I take this to mean she isn’t worried per se about our ability to live and travel on a boat, just some crazy cartoony things that aren’t really a threat (yes pirates are real, no we are not going to any place close to them). My parents have a really nonchalant way of expressing their confidence in us that is something like “well you and Greg have done well for yourselves so far, so we havre no doubts you two can handle this and we’ll leave it at that”. Drop the mic. My brother likes an adventure and trying new things so he just seems excited about it whenever we talk about it…no “That’s weird / strange / dangerous” vibes from him. Sidebar: he is the best/worst to ski a new hill with; his personal philosophy is that it’s 99% confidence.

So why was I having doubts last night? I realized when I got home it wasn’t about our ability to do what we are going to do. It was about my ability to leave my family behind for a while. And literally now, in this moment of writing, is the moment I tear up. ***pause as she grabs a tissue because mom hasn’t given me my hankies yet*** I was having doubts last night because not being able to see my loving, wonderful parents, my crazy pirate-fearing sister and my strong and ambitious brother and their respective families that are as precious to me as my own, has got me wanting to run in the opposite direction of Matriarch. Damn them.

Where the f*ck is another tissue?